Ten Thousand Pictures of ANTON
DISCLAMER: Mom, don't read this. And I don't mean "don't read this like you didn't read my diary when I was 13". Seriously.
Dear fans,
Last night was so incredible on so many levels, I don't even know where to start. First of all, these two guys named Jonathan and David from my Middle School suddenly invited me to see their music show. I haven't seen them in about 12 years. Now fans, let me remind of something: in Middle School, i was a HUGE LOSER. Back then, I actually wore leggins and they were definitely not as cool as they are now.
Me in Middle School
(You can definitely tell it's me by my huge mouth.)
So anyways, I was lured in by Jonathan's promise to perform in the News shirt. I was so excited I even managed to convince my sister to come. It was only later that I found out Jonathan failed to keep his promise and did not wear the shirt, thereby forever failing as a News fan. But by then, I was too preoccupied with something else to anger about the shirt: Alex brought with her our really old friend ANTON.
Fans, meet ANTON
Omg, how can I explain Anton? Well... let's just say Alex and I know him from our days in the Russian Church. Fans, do you even know what Russian Church is? If you think regular church is bad, you're probably not even cut out to her about it. Luckily, our mom is a nun, so Alex and I are Russian Church experts. Please refer to the following diagram.
Russian church
This picture illustrates my typical sunday morning for the past 20 years... I am hungover as ass from Sat night and still not sure how or when I got home. My mom is being a nun and all i can think about is donuts.
So last night, as if by some ironic twist of fate, we actually met Jesus in the bar. My sister was the first to notice him:
Alex, always so observant
Immediately, we started praying
(I think we even managed to convince his friend to act amazed)
Of course, the praying ceremony was quickly followed by my sister spanking the Jesus's ass:
Now, in case you can't tell yet, another reason why last night was incredible is because my sister and I were getting drunk together for the first time. You see fans, Alex claims that she has never had a drink in her life, especially to our parents. I think she does this mostly to make me look like an even worse drunk that I really am, as if that's possible. But last night was different. Alex was not only pounding drink after drink, she was even picking up guys!! And it just so happens that she's probably the only person in the world who is as hot as me, maybe even hotter..
Very smooth, Alex
My sister asked me to be in this picture out of pity
Coincidentally, it was only a matter of minutes before we did in fact go back to my sister's dorm to get more drunk. Just out of curiousity, here is a really hot picture of us walking back to Alex's dorm:
Calvin Klein, revisted
Wait, let's see that again...
Anyways, Fans, meet my sister's friends
Bebek and Megha
What followed next can only be described as conclusive evidence that my sister and I should never be allowed to go to parties together ever again.
First of all, we drank super Russia
style
Second of all, we told everyone I was 30, just for fun
Third of all, we then proceeded to
take really provocative pictures.
For example, this picture of us in someone's closet...
...Or this picture of us attacking Bebek...
...Or this other picture of Alex and Bebek
Fans, by this point I was starting to realize that my sister was finally following in my footsteps. OMG, I was sooo proud. I guess all those years I spent trying to set an example by sneaking out of my house through the back porch and then loudly stumbling back at 5am through the front door were not completely pointless. But anyways, back to the story.
Naturally, Alex and I introduced Anton to all the ladies.
I even taught him my favorite pick-up
line
(Some guy actually said this to one of my friends)
At this point, Anton became great success
All I can say is... WOW...
And again, WOW...
By this point, the bonding was well in place
My sister even came up with a brilliant plan
Of course, she still insisted that she wasn't even drinking
But we knew she was a little drunk she started to floss her teeth with a rubber band...
...and when she told everyone about that time I got drunk in England.
In the meantime, I was contemplating making
at least 10 drunk calls. By the way fans, do you sometimes feel like you need
to turn off your phone when I'm out at night? Drunk dialing is a disease,
there's even a Facebook Support group about it!!! It's the best when I call
people I have a crush on or people I'm really really mad at and then pretend
to be Borat, Borat's friend, Borat's couzin, Borat's Vagin, New song promoter,
and Charlie, in that order. Luckily, I never save my co-workers numbers in
my phone.
Anyway, I knew it was time for me to
leave when this started...
You probably can't tell, but Alex is actually in this picture
That's when I knew it was time for me to peace. It was time to meet back up with David and Jonathan- my fake friends from middle school. The rest of the night went pretty much like this.
By the way fans, don't even think about asking me "Who will win the News fan of the week contest this time, Jonathan or David?" I have no idea!!! Again, let me repeat, the Judgement Panel is the only panel that can decide that, and their jurisdiction is entirely secret and autonomous! I have no idea how they make their decisions, sometimes they use voting, sometimes they use potatoe sachs. Maybe next time, they'll use a roulette wheel or slut machine to gamble for the winner, who knows.
In conclusion, I know Anton from my time in the Russian Church, and this update also involves tater tots.