ABSTRACT: Most people have mice, ants, rodents, or cocks roaches. But seriously, who even cares if you try to have serial and see a few furry insects floating up through the milk? I could not settle for such mediocracy!!! I had to go all out with my vermin infestation- by acquiring the most hardcore vermin of them all: bedbugs!! This paper introduces bedbugs and outlines an iterative methodology that can be modified to apply to all types of vermins.

 

INTRODUCITON: Fans, do you remember defcon? I arrive home at roughly 2am from Vegas. As my usual ritual, I eat a donner kebab and climb into bed. "What a great time for me to get some sleep," I think as I drift into a peacefull, donner-filled slumber. Next thing I know: it is 4am and I am covered in vermins. If this was mice, mosquits or cocks I would not panic. BUT this is worse: I am covered from head to foot in small, slithering bugs.

 

I paniced. I was not familiar with these vermins, and I had no place to go! So I did what I normally do when I am confused: go online and start a few chats. This really cheered me up, I was even LOLing for a few minutes! But then reality striked again: I had to google for my problem. I am an expert googler- can find great results in under 30 minutes!

 

Here is my query log:

 

 

 

(you can see the above is an advanced query b/c I used the + sign)

 

 

Finally, according to Wikipedia, I found out I had bedbugs. Wikipedia says: they are a type of insect. But their etimology did not concern me, I had more urgent questions: What should I do? Should I buy a new blanked? Maybe I can have another donner kabab? I needed real answers, and I needed them fast.

 

Luckily, I stumped upon a forum run by real people like me that have experienced similar issues in the past. Here is a screenshot:

Fans, the most important conclusion I drew from this forum is that, yes, bedbugs can in fact read your thoughts. But why must I repeat what has already been documented by a credible forum? I REQUIRE that you read the above posts before continuing.

 

Well... did you do your research and background checks on bedbugs? Let's find out. Please take this pop quiz to see if you are a stupid dummy.

 

1. Which of the following items, when worn on your head, will hinder bedbugs from reading your mind?

a. Paper bag

 

b. sexual loungerie

 

c. tinfoil hat

 

DISCUSSION: If you picked a, you are a total n00b. A paper bag on your head will never work against anyone reading your mind, not to mention such expert vermins as bedbugs. Choice b is tricky, did you fall for it? It is a common misconseption that sexual loungerie on your head will prevent others from reading your mind. This myth has been propaged to our generation by various underwear modles (including myself), but while it may seem to work in some cases, it is generally a flawed approach.

If you picked c, you are correct!! Tinfoil hat definitely works. In fact, the first thing I did after reading the forums at 4am was make myself a huge tinfoil hat and a tiny hat for the chinch.

 

Okay, time for quesiton #2:

Which of the following is a physical symptom of a bedbug infestation?

a. receeding hairline

b. severe rash

d. diarreah

 

DISCUSSION: Fans, did you get tricked by this question? I'm sorry, but there is no right answer. I know choice d looks most attractive, but it is completely wrong. Since choice a is synonymous with choice d, it is also wrong. So what about choice b, severe rash? The truth is, you may have a rash from bedbugs but I did not. Probably because I am tough, and my skin can not be bothered with such trivial matters as blood-sucking vermin crawling all over it.

Therefore, the right answer to question 2 is: "This is a trick question, created by the News staff to test my agility". If you did not recite that phrase verbatim when you were answering the question, you got it WRONG.

 

and finally, question #3:

Which of the following, when found in your apartment, is physical evidence of a bedbug infestation?

a. Some random dude's phone number

 

b. bedbug exrements, eggs and feces all over your bedframe

 

c. bank of america credit card

 

d. Deer and/or beef Jerky

 

DISCUSSION: This question actually has 2 right answers: choices b and c are both conclusively indicative of a bedbug problem! The only difference between a bank of america credit card and black bedbug fecal matter all over your bed is that bank of america will read your thoughts even if you wear a tinfoil hat!

 

Understanding your score

Number of questions you got right	What your score means
3/3 (ALL CORRECT!)	You are a filthy, shameless cheater.
2/3	You are a mediocre fan. The important thing is not to be discouraged by how much you suck but try to understand: what did you do wrong: Did you misread the quesitons because you are dyslexic, or were you playing with your feet when you were answering and did not concentrate?
1/3	Which question did you get right? I hope it was the one about bank of america. If it was not, you might as well have gotten 0 correct, so please read below.
0/3	This is unacceptible... If you are not dumb you should be able to get at least one question right. the one about tinfoil hats was practically a freebie!

 

METHODOLOGY: I now present an iterative methodology for dealing with bedbugs and other similar vermins.

 

Step 1: Identify your problem. Look at a potential bedbug candidate and use the following decision tree to see if it is an actual bedbug.

 

Step 2: Watch out for false positives. Do you know what is false positive? I didn't, untill one day I stumbled upon a false positive at work.

Fans, if you are confused by this technical jargon, just know that a false positive is basically when you are wrong about something.

 

Step 3:If it is 4am at the time of discovery, you must use any kind of alcohol to kill the bugs. The following types of liquors, if found in your apt, are acceptible.

 

Step 4: Poor the liquor directly onto infested areas

 

Step 5: Okay, another way to dispense the liquor is by using a spray bottle. The easiest way to find a spray bottle is this: Go into your bathroom and find a beauty product such as gasoline, that is often distributed in a spray. Replace this beauty product with alcohol and spray freely on infested area

 

Step 6: Use duck tape around your bed to prevent bedbugs from approaching you in your sleep.

 

Step 7: After a few weeks of sleeping a in a puddle of liquor, say to yourself: I must put an end to these vermins. Then you must call the terminator- he is the only one that spray your apartment.

 

Step 8. Use dry heat to eliminate infestation on all your clothes.

 

Step 9: Put your chinchilla in a tupplewear container and bring him to Brooklyn while the terminator sprays your apartment with vile insecticides.

 

Step 10: use this infestation to legitimize the purchase of a new bed. Conduct extensive load-testing of new bed to make sure it is acceptible

 

CONCLUDING REMARKS: In conclusion, a false positive is when you are completely wrong, and wearing sexual loungerie on your head only rarely prevents others from reading your mind.

 

Back to News so full of iterative methodology