China, Stacey Style
Hello and welcome to this week's addition of Travel Guide. This time, the News team went on a two-week China adventure, following the most optimal itinerary EVER. Please refer to the huge map bellow.
China Itinerary
The reason why I went to China is twofold: my friend Joseph lives in Shanghai AND China is awesome. Plus, I look SOOO hot with the China Lonely Planet Book.
My Travel Bible
aka
another excuse to look hot in a picture
The highlight of my trip was probably landing in the Shanghai aiport and being met by a News #1 fan, fully dressed in News attire. It was great to see such dedication! But everything went downhill from there.
You see fans, my friend lives with two French roommates called T-Bone and Clementine. According to an old French custom, when you say hello, you have to pretend to kiss and make a fake kissing sound a few times. Because of my heritage, I did not know this tradition- in Russia we often say hello by a firm punch in the face. So my first encounter with Joseph's roommates went something like this:
Meeting T-bone and Clementine
As soon as I arrived, it was time to rehearse a dance for a Chinese talent show that was going to take place the following night. Do you remember the numa numaei song? The one that goes "dragostine" and then something about feta cheese? I do. For 3 hours after my 14 hour plain ride to Shanghai, I was jumping around in a choreographic frenzy, helping Clementine mastermind the best numaei dance yet.
It was called "performance of special foreign guests"
Basically you need to download and see this video ASAP to understand.
My first Debut on a Chinese Stage (High Quality, strongly recommended)
My first Debut on a Chinese Stage (Low Quality, not recommended)
That night, we went out to a real Chinese club, with American-priced $8 drinks. I'm not sure how I managed to get drunk with my $10 budget. But that night, only one issue concerned me: The Nature of the Croissant and it's consumption patterns in France. Luckily, I had TBone to really explain it to me.
The Croissant: Fact of Fiction?
The next day, I went to Suzhou, a really pretty town north of Shanghai. The most notable thing was probably this Complaint Box.
You can actually see all the pictures on my real website.
And now, time for a pop quiz. Can you spot the Starbucks in this ancient Chinese Square? How about the DQ?
A few days later, Joseph and I flew down to Guilin. Again, in Guilin, I looked GREAT.
I really like the stone ice-cream cone
Another hot pic of me
Huge cane, but I can handle it
By the way, fans, have you noticed that I'm wearing the same costume in all the pics? It's even filthier than it looks. But again, let me repeat that my appearance makes up for absolutely everything:
By the way, I think I forgot to mention that in China, they have great public gyms. They look like playgrounds, but actually, they are elipticals and treadmills.
Chinese Gym
Please fans, if you have any commitment at all, watch this excercise video.
Anyways, then we headed for Yangshuo- a tiny town south of Guilin. It was so beautiful I even stopped being arrogant for about a day. Haha, totally JK, in fact I made Joseph take a topless pic of me in the middle of a rural street.
Don't worry fans, Joseph kept his eyes completely closed. Much unlike the Chinese biker who happened to be passing by. No wonder why everyone thinks Americans are so vulgar.
We rented bikes and clocked in over 35km throughout the province to Xingping, an even tinier town north of Yangshuo.
Then it was time to take the boat back down the Li River. Unfortunately, the price became a big issue as some tourist agencies demanded over 1000RMB (over $100). I said no way, and headed for a special bargaining routine, called "I speak no Chinese at all, but I'm gonna get the price I want".
The woman I haggled with wrote in Chinese and asked for 300RMB
Luckily I too knew some Chinese Characters
Finally we settled on 250RMB, about $30 for a 2 hr private boat ride. Still a little beyond my budget, but let me tell you...
It was pretty much worth every dollar of the $30
The next day, we explored a gigantic cave- bigger than any aquiduct tunnel from Turkey. Then we took a sleeper bus down to Guanzhou. Fans, have you ever heard of a sleeper bus? I haven't. Basically imagine a Harry Potter bus- with rows of bunkbeds fully equipped with pillows and blankets. It was fantastic... Except for the fact that the driver was a madman and I woke up with more bruises than the number of bruises I woke up with after getting drunk on my 21st bday.
On the sleeper bus
In Guanzhou, we met more friends of Joseph's. They were great, and especially fun to go out with. That night, Joseph again wore the News #1 fan shirt, and it is possible that he might soon win the Fan of the Week Contest. But that's up to the News Judgement Panel so I can not be sure. The News Judgement panel is a completely autonomous instituition... Let's keep our fingers crossed.
I hope he wins fan of the week contest!!
The next morning, I was really really hung over, and unfortunately, our apartment was out of bottled water. But guess what fans, at that point I felt so ill that I took my chances and had about a Liter of tap water!! I thought "no matter how sick I get from Chinese tap water, it won't feel as bad as my current hangover". Oh, I was so soooo wrong fans. Two days later, I was stuck in an hour-long cab ride amidst Hong Kong Traffic, with explosive diarreah so intense that I almost had a seizure from trying to hold it back. Fortunately, it only lasted a day, b/c my intestants were still coded with cipro from the last time I was sick. But still....how could I forget to reference the Severity Chart- it explains everything. OMG I'm so stupid:
According to the Severity Chart, a really bad hangover isn't even that bad at all. In fact, loosing the News Tshirt happens to be infinitely many times worse.
Then it was time for Thanksgiving dinner, and we made only the most tradditional dishes.
Crepes...
...and Chicken Curry
Of course, the best part of the night was Andrew's phenomenal stomach.
The next day we headed for Hong Kong- my new most favority city in the entire world
We also went to Macau, but this time I did not Gamble. Instead I bought 2938473 new costumes. Don't worry fans, I did not buy leggins. I will never wear them. By the way, did you know that in China, I'm actually a C cup?? Also, according to the costume sizes, I think I was the fattest person in all of China.
We then flew back from Hong Kong to Shanghai. And that's when the worst thing ever happened to me: My bag, with everything I bought in Hong Kong was MIA. OMG fans, let me illustrate something about my bag to you: remember those other 12 countries I visited in the last year? I did them all with a suitcase. That's right, I brought a tiny suitcase along crouded cobble streets, night markets, overnight trains, and predetors. I've had it snatched, ripped, and beat the shit out of by everyone who thought they could get tips for... basically touching it. So finally, I got a new bag that I thought would last me a lifetime, and guess what... it was GONE!!
My baby
I was so mad, I even made a Note about it on FB
But then, the next day, the airport called and said- bag is found. I was so relieved. And now I have Chinese gifts for the fans.
In Conclusion, a bad hangover is never as bad explosive diarreah, and one Chinese person saw me topless.