Nerdcon
aka a million pictures of my cleavage
DISCLAIMER: please do not read this update if you are a nun like my mom.
Hi fans, you might notice that today the font is smaller than normal. This is because our team just heard from a confidential source that sometimes, fans read this site on the iPhone. Since iPhone has a really greasy screen and an imaginary keyboard, we will try to accomodate with smaller size and even greater integrity.
Instructions: if this update is hard to read, you can press Ctrl+Shift+plus on a mac to do a hardware zoom and make page look larger. On a windows, please slam your face into the keyboard several times to increase font. On an iPhone, do no use your face on the keyboard b/c there is no keyboard. Instead, pinch the screen or at least someone's butt.
This update is really great because soon you will see many high resolution pictures of my cleavage. But first, a background: This weekend the News team did a spetial coverage of defcon- a computer convention in Vegas. We had many onsite reporters, none of whom actually knew what was defcon. However, the results are the following:
I arrived to Vegas really late on Friday night. This was because JetBlue continuously cancelled and then uncancelled my flights for several hours in a row. As a result, as soon as I arrived, I said "I WANT BURGERS". Immediately, I ordered room service of champaigne and a burger.
If you do not know what is defcon, just think of it as a weekend-long contest to shoot small targets with a gigantic bibi gun. The set up is simple: many guns, very small targets, and lots of people dressed like wizards, Gandolf, or even gothicals:
Shooting targets may sound simple, but remember, you need to know what is image recognition, bibi guns, and md5hash. For example, the targets were very small and far from the guns, as can be seen from this map:
But defcon is not all fun and games!!!! For example, I had to do some real work in the swimming pool. You see fans, I was very nervous about making out, so I tried to caution everyone about first base.
By the way, you can see me in a bathing suit here. I don't know why it looks like a diaper.
I also don't really know why the lifeguard is a midget who is under water. But I promise you fans, I did not pee in that particular pool. Code Yellow is a complete lie!
Now you are probably wondering, why am I so obsessed with first and second base? Well the most obvious reasons is that the transition between first and second base is counterintuitive!!! It just does not make sense. But the second and most important reason, is that when I came to this country, the first thing that everyone said to me was "what is your favorite base??". At the time, I was not familiar with baseball or the american number system, so there was no way for me to answer that question correctly! However, today I know better. To help all readers from making the same mistake, I found the following venn diagramm that defines the bases precisely and even shows the transitions from one base to the next.
Activities that constitute first, second, and third base and their transitions.
(Found on Wikipedia)
Fans, I found this diagram particularly useful. For example, it suggests a very easy, non-awkward transition from second to third base through physical contact with someone's diarreah. It is also a great tool for setting boundaries. For example, let's say you're on a second date, and are completely ready for first base, but do not want to go any further. A quick glimpse of this diagram will immediately tell you, it is ok if you and your date farted at the same time by accident. However, as soon as your date says "hey lets fart at the same time on purpose" you know he's moving a little too fast- you are not yet ready for this type of intimacy!!!!
Anyways, after the pool, it was time to follow a very important defcon tradition called "buy a really hot outfit at a store called 'stripper exchange'". I'm not sure what this tradition has to do with computers, but the outcome was very clear, everyone bought something hot, even if it was an outfit for the opposite gender.
Group shot 1, hot post #3:
Fans, you can see that for some reason, that night I had real cleavage!! I'm not sure how it happened, maybe because I ate two more burgers before wearing that outfit? In any case, the first thing I did with my cleavage is ask the hotel staff to take a couples shot:
Second, I expected everyone to hit on me, because #1 I had cleavage and #2 I was a femail. But this did not happen. Only one person talked to me all night, and it was this guy:
Only one person started to talk to me
Thanks for the attention, I was getting excited!!!
Fans do you understand my hint? I am trying to remind this guy about my News website by pointing to its most prevalent color!!!! Meanwhile, in the background a fight about ninja vs pirates was breaking loose.
For some reason, my hint was not recognized:
why did this man think I was a pizza delivery boy?
From then on, I decided to only be seen with this guy, because he actually had an iPhone embedded in his costume.
But suddenly, I was remembered about my burger consumption that weekend and decided to use it to m y advantage:
hi, and welcome to the biggest hack:
Finally, towards the end of the night, something really amazing happened. No fans, it was not first base, don't wory! Actually, it was the fact that I found myself surrounded by News fans, wearing the original News color!!!!
Even the back of the shirt was a perfect match: dark green font on neon green background
Maybe I can sue for patent infringment on my colors, what do you think?
The following day, I got to play with a real tesla
In conclusion, I have p0wned at least one person, and the best way to transition from second base to third base is through diarreah.