iOcean?

Recently, I bought an iRiver. It's akind of mp3 player that most people have never heard of.


iRiver

So when I told my iPod-obsessed friends I got an iRiver, they were like "WHAT?!?! YOU GOT AN iOCEAN!?!? THAT"S 100% GAY, NOT EVEN 1% STRAIGHT!!".

I don't entirely blame people for never hearing of an iRiver. After all, the ipod commercials are EVERYWHERE. They seem so sexy, with the neon lights, and ppl dancing in the backround, all black and mysterious. It's hard not to buy into the commercials. They show us 3 self-evident truths:


Truth #1: iPods will make users black and mysterious


Truth #2: iPods users are upside down and symmetrical


Truth #3: Bling bling!



But lets examine these advertisements with more scutiny. It is time to bring these matters to light!!!! I think it's important to see what those ipod fans look like with the lights on!!! To avoid too much shock and surprise, the following disturbing sequence of images shows the iPod commercial with gradually more and more light.


Only slight illumination reveals the true face of iPod fan


some more light shows gaudy costume with excessive iPod wire


Brighter spotlight shows that iPod users are actually fat and naked


Fully lit environment reveals horrifying background that is used in every iPod commercial


X-ray level of light exposes skeletal form of iPod user...

Thanks to the Xray image, we know what iPod users really look like.Their skeletal structure is massive and entails cryptic messages such as "Moo Noo" as shown above. Under normal, non-Xray lights, ipod users are fat and naked. but what of the iRiver? Who typically uses the iRiver and why?


Clearly, the answer is: Natalie Portman. In a recent interview she was heard saying "I use the iRiver all the time. It is the only mp3 player for people who do not have cryptic skeletal structure". Here is the evidence:


Natalie Portman, using iRiver in her latest film: Garden State


So, ladies and gentlement, I have picked an iRiver over an iPod for 2 reasons: 1. iPod users are always fat and naked, and 2. iRiver users are always natalie portman.

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