News Fans: Please read
the following document that details the likelihood and risks of the
rapidly-approaching heat apocalypse. Upon the completion of this document, you
may be overcome with fear and concern, leaving almost 0 room for kiddings.
However, please be assured that a giant team of the world’s leading scientists
is working on this problem around the clock.
All further developments will be posted here ASAP.
Stacey Kuznetsov
Licensed Hyperthermia Specialist
Facility for the Research of Heat-Related Diseases
###################
Dr. Christopher Harrison
Senior Rhino Specialist
Rhino Rehabilitation Clinic,
CA Division
#########################
June 16, 2005
Re: Temperature Crisis that Knocks the
Socks off Global Warming
Dear Dr. Harrison:
Thank you for taking the time to contact me earlier this week
regarding your study on the internal temperatures of rhinos. Although I am no
rhino specialist like yourself, I do have an extensive background with the
treatment of hyperthermia patients.
It
has come to my attention that over the last few years, the number of victims
suffering from heatstroke has quadrupled, sometimes reaching up to
59187241239847314 cases per day. At first we were flabbergasted by these
shocking statistics. We appealed to greenhouse gas emissions, volcano
eruptions, and even proximity to hot girls, but found no correlations with the
rising rate of hyperthermia. It was by sheer luck and coincidence that we
discovered the compelling link between all heatstroke patients and the rhino
species.
We have
already forwarded you several rhino specimen from our
Yours
truly,
Dr.
Stacey Kuznetsov
Licensed Hyperthermia Therapist
Facility
for the Research of Heat-Related Diseases
Statistical
Findings: A Comprehensive Report
Section 1: Symptoms of Hyperthermia
·
Heat stress
·
Heat fatigue
·
Heat syncope
·
Heat
exhaustion
·
Dehydration
· Dizziness
· Loss of appetite
· Drowsiness
·
Heat cramps
· Sudden mood swings, especially including sexual
inclinations and fantasies regarding rough handcuff sex
Figure 1.1: Typical
Hyperthermia Patient.
Section 2: The correlation between rhinos and
heatstroke cases
Figure 2.1 The number
of rhinos and hyperthermia patients over the past 5 years.
Figure 2.2 Geographic
correlation between rhinos and cases of hyperthermia
Figure 2.2 Percentage
of hyperthermia victims who have been inside of a rhino prior to heatstroke
Section 3: Witness Accounts
“Arrr, me maties!!!!!”
-One-eyed Joe, Pirate, Age 62
“I was caught off-guard by
the rhino’s increasing temperature when I was approaching animal’s core. I was
warned about the potential heat, so I wore thermal gear. But despite my protective
costume, a wave of hot air knocked me off my feet, and I realized that global
warming is nothing compared to the body temperature of the rhino. I no longer
use my solar-powered car and make sure to throw garbage everywhere.”
-John, Environmental
Scientist, Age 34
“OMG, it’s like soo hot in
this rhino. I’m totally LOL’ing right now!!!”
-Carly, Communications Major,
Age 20
“I was chillin’ in the rhino.
Next thing I know, I’m sweatin’ balls, this beast is steamin’. So I call up my hos, and say, “bitches, it’s steamin’
they say “whatcha talkin’
about”. So I call up my bro, and he’s like “wassssup in the rhinooooooo!!!”.
Then my cell starts meltin’ away, and I loose all my bling’
-Big T, Middle School
Student, Age 13
“I remember my first time in
rhino… full with emotion. So warm and humid, like in fresh baked bread that I
didn’t have to wait in long line to eat. Rhino doesn’t ask for coupon or food
stamp. Doesn’t force me to gamble.”
-
Section 4: Conclusion
Our evidence strongly suggests that the drastic
increase in hyperthermia cases is caused by the victims’ locations inside of
rhinos. However, our laboratory equipment and mental capacities have been
severely affected by a rhino-induced heatwave, so we can not officially issue
any conclusive or coherent statements at this time.