Mostang Diaries
(Spanish subtitles available upon request)
Itenerary:
Equipment:
· 1 Mostang (rental upgrade from Honda civic)
· Gambling skills
· tiny tent
· huge map (about 5 sq feet in size)
· $38907234982734923847 for gas
· Other stuff
Goals:
· to cover 1300 miles in one weekend
· to bum around san jose during the week
· to cover another 800 miles the next weekend
July 1, 2005
I arrive in San Jose after about 12 hours of being stuck on planes that kept getting delayed. My connecting flight plane was parked on the runway for 3 hours before takeoff, and one woman kept asking to be let off by emphatically shaking her boobs. Additionally, some advice for fans: never use SuperShuttle to get to JFK.
July 2, 2005
Early morning flight to vegas. Chris demands a rental upgrade and we pick up the Mostang. First, I do not like, b/c I never even heard of this kind of car. But almost immediately, I realize, it’s kind of nice.
Almost as nice as a Honda Civic
Roadtrip lesson #1:
Mostang is not so bad.
First thing we see in Vegas is Dead Cows store
Second thing we see in Vegas is Hoover Damn
To understand the temperature of the Nevada desert, imagine using 16 hair driers simultaneously, all set to the highest temperature settings, while being inside 1 one rhino that is inside another rhino that is inside another rhino. Imagine also, the outermost rhino is chillin in a Russian or Swedish sauna, throwing water on the rocks. Yea, that’s how hot it was.
To cool off we swim in the hoover damn lake. And by swim, I mean get completely naked on a public beach b/c it’s too hot for even 1 bathingsuite. Even peppers can’t censor the skinny dipping pics to a level that is appropriate for News. So instead, another pic of the Mostang:
Mostang after the swim
Then, gambling time. I must say- b/c of Russia, I have extensive formal training in gambling.
In slut machine blackjack, I won $1.25!!!!
In regular slut machine, I did not win
I even played roulette, but lost $50!!!
(Candied camera shot)
Roadtrip lesson #2:
In Russia they teach us how to gamble, but they do not always teach us how to win at roulette wheel or slut machine.
July 3, 2005
Since my conception of roadtrips is based solely on a midnight read of “On the road” and the wiping of my ass on the “grapes of wrath”, I estimate 2 hours of driving from vegas to grand canyon. But the distance of 500 miles sort of slows us down. We are further hindered by my urge to urinate at least once ever hour, along with the fact that our gas meter is a broken and shows empty tank every 50 miles.
I do not mind pumping gas b/c it makes my ass look soo good
But sometimes, gas price doesn’t make sense!!!
We hit grand canyon by sunset. Fans, I imaged it to be a like skateboarding half-tube, but made of rock, and without skaters. But it is a little different.
Grand Canyon: more than just a half tube
Plus some Harrison…
We camp nearby, and make the legendary spicy chicken for dinner
As you can tell from the picture above, I was constipated for 3 days prior to eating the spicy chicken.
Roadtrip lesson #3:
Spicy chicken does not help against constipation.
After spicy chicken, I found myself wishing for explosive diarreah with all my heart. But it never came… Sometimes I can be constipated for up to 10 days at a time.
July 4, 2005
We plan to drive from grand canyon all the way back to san Jose along the CA coast (the famous route 1 drive). Again, my estimated travel time of 4 hours is a little off, as it takes us about 6 hours just to reach the coast. It doesn’t help that we stop every mile to take pics of the mostang.
Mostang in the Desert
We pull over for a bunch of tourist traps, including a 50 mile detour to see a ‘moon crater’. It turns out to be huge pile of black shit, that requires a 3 hour hike in the 104F weather. We don’t even bother getting out of the car except to sign the guestbook which is full of people saying ‘what a great crater’. Our entry takes up 2 full lines and proudly reads “I stuck this pen up my ass b/c of diarreah”.
We hit cambria (small coastal town in southern CA) by sunset, and stumble across a hotel party that gives us free food, under the condition that we wear stupid nametags.
But I don’t mind too much
We watch what turns out to be the world’s slowest and longest fireworks, but it’s on a beach and we’re so exhausted that we end up spending the night.
July 5, 2005
The hotel gives us free breakfast, and it’s probably the first normal breakfast we’ve had in 3 days.
The best breakfast in the world
We finally drive up rt 1, and yes, it really is gorgeous…
But I’m sooo constipated, even after the good breakfast
Meanwhile, the backseat has a life of its own
We keep a steady speed of 90mph on local one-lane roads. Our constant swerving and asshole mannerisms piss off more than just a few people. For example, one trucker gave us the finger and honked his horn!!!
Chris finally makes it to work around 2pm and I meet up with Joey to bike around Stanford. A side note on Stanford, aka my dream grad school for law and/or CS: if you know anyone I can sleep with to get in, please let me know.
July 6, 3005
I run around San Jose, and become fully convinced that I’m moving to the west coast ASAP. The tech museum exhibits a Segway scooter, and i ride it for about 40 min! I do 5 consecutive 360 turns! Even some 420’s!!! I try to convince the curators to up the speed but they say “plz step away from the scooter”. I even try to do jumps!!
Then- batman on HUGE imax, it is so large, I don’t even understand what is going on. Fans- do not go to Imax, it is simply too large. Katie Holme’s nipples are the size of my entire ass!!!! By the way, why are they always showing in every scene!?!? I don’t think batman even cares!!! Katie holmes sticks always them into batman’s face, but he’s just like “I am batman, eh?”.
July 7, 2005
I spend the day in santa cruz. Fans- when I came to CA I was very tanned- but had a shorts tan. For the first time in santa cruz, I did not wear shorts, and guess what!?!??! HUGE SUNBURN on my ass, the shape of my shorts!!!
In other words, my sunburn was the shape of my shorts…
and the color of my period
It hurt REALLLLLY bad. Luckily, Santa cruz also has a boardwalk so my ass was extra beat-up by rollercoaster bumps and pirate ship.
bootleg pic of rollercoaster
July 8, 2005
We head out to drive north- our goal is to reach CA’s northern-most redwoods, 50 miles short of Oregon. Again, our travel estimate is off by a few hours (this time b/c of rush-hour traffic), and we don’t even reach the half-way mark by dinner time. We pick a random river park area to cook dinner- and this time it’s spicy beef!!
We don’t arrive till after midnight. My sunburned ass is in dire pain from sitting on leather seats for 5 hours so I start to spray on anti-sunburn pain medicine. But the smell (of the spray, not my ass) makes the tent un-inahbitable.
So I stick my huge red naked ass out of the tent and spray away!!
Roadtrip lesson #4:
Roadtrips are frequently centered around ass
It rains all night and chris ends up sleeping a puddle of water while I accidentally pee on my shoes.
July 9, 2005
I know earlier, I said the breakfast in Cambria was the best breakfast in the world, but this morning we have another breakfast that is also the best breakfast in the world.
The best breakfast in the world #2
Finally we get to the Redwood park, and dry the tent on the top of our Mostang…
Mostang with tent
THESE TREES ARE HUGE!!!!
Even a human can fit into this tree
But humans aren’t the only creatures that can mate
We make some dinner on the beach, next to a creepy guy who keeps wearing a black cloack and talking to his cat.
Our dinner consists of spicy beef (not as spicy as the chicken)
And a huge onion sandwich (yes those are salts on the top)
Finally, a quick wedding ceremony
Then, with the average speed of 110mph we make it back to san jose in under 5 hours.
Roadtrip lesson #5:
Thank god for the mostang and its photogenic capabilities.
So in conclusion, I feel pretty lucky that even after breaking every driving law in three different states, the worst that happened was a $28 parking ticket in san jose. This roadtrip has fueled my love for fast cars, hardened my tolerance for constipation, and further convinced me that sometimes, it’s important to gamble.
Sincerely,
Stacey
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