News Crisis Report, READ ASAP!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, the following information and images have not been edited for dramatic effect. This report is 100% true and reflective of any college dorm.
Let's start from the beginning of this mess and work our way through it, using logic. Let's try to stay calm, because we will never get to the bottom of this unless we think rationally. The first rodent-sighting at Coral Towers Room 503 occurred in early February when two rodents were observed running accross our kitchen. Since this sighting has not been notarized, we had no reason to believe the witness. So we launched a full investigation in order to find the rodents. At first, there was nothing.
Due to the female nature of the 503 residents, boys were formally invited to help with the search. They battled the trash deposites under our stove. And although we found plenty of ancient bottle-caps and cigarrette butts, there was almost nothing pointing to the existence of rodents...
But soon we hit our first breakthrough: We found large deposits of arsenic under our fridge, from when last year's residents tried to combat the same rodents we were witnessing today!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE WERE LIVING IN THE SAME ROOM AS POISON AND WE DIDNT EVEN KNOW IT UNTILL WE LOOKED BEHIND THE FRIDGE!!!!!!!!
And then, we saw something a lot more alarming... pellet-shaped feces, empedded in dropped silverwear!!!!!!
The trail of pellet-shaped feces led us to a huge mouse hole behind the fridge. We patched it up with masking tape and brillo.
But the most disturbing events actually preceded the above-described investigation... I didn't mention them earlier b/c I wanted to save the best for last!!! Please view the following images with disgression. Below are our catches:
Things just didn't make sense. I was panicking! There seemed to be no reason why I had to be punshed like this by god!! I mean, we always think stuff like this happens to the 'bad kids', to people on the west coast, the elderly... but we never expect such devastation to hit our own home!!!!! But it hit and it hit hard before I could even blink my eyes!! I turned to external sources for an explanation. I consulted the internet, but it offered very little consolation.
But then I saw the bright side of it all: The more mice we caught, the hotter the mice-o-meter got!!! Instead of thinking about mice as rodents, we can think of them as steps towards the 'HOT' mark on the rodent thermometer. Thank god I can be so optimistic in such hard times! Here is the status quo:
Ok, I know it doesn't seem like much so far, but i think that if we pull our resources, we will soon reach our goal of 20983423089423840 rodents.... We just have to try harder. Common 503!!!!
So you might be asking yourself: what do I learn from all this? Well, I personally learned a very important lesson: there is a little rodent in each one of us. To prove this point even further, please take the following quiz and don't cheat.
How did you do? Add up all your points, and find your range from the choices below...
15-20: you're a SUPER RODENT!! good work! Keep wiggling your ears and shitting under your stove!
10-15: you're a REGULAR RODENT... you're almost there- just a step away from super-rodent.
0-10: you cheated on the How Much Of a Rodent Are You? Quiz! scroll up and take it again!
So what it all really comes down to is keeping your spirits up, even in life-threatening situations like the one that just hit 503. and who knows... you might be next!!!!