Fans, do you remember the Rhino-related Heat Apocalypse that was first discovered August this year? The research on that subject matter is finally complete. Below is a detailed report from Dr. Chris F. H, our senior Rhino specialist.
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Dr. Chris F. Harr
Senior Rhino Specialist
Zambonzal Rhinological Institute
Funky Town, NC 53304

Dr. Stacey,


Thank you for your enlightening data on the correlation between hypothermia and the thermal ramifications of rhinos.


[ Rendering of the next rhinoceros evolution]

 

My colleague, Dr. Fontage, is also an expert in the field, and I have spoken to him at great length. We believe that while serious, an even larger problem looms on the horizon: Lung cancer in sea crabs.

To facilitate your understanding, I’ve included a brief summary of our work in the area. On the next page, I’ve attached a picture taken from MilSat 44I Alpha. You can see smoke billowing from a VIC1 crab lounge near the Okavango shelf in the Mid-Atlantic Basin.

 

Dr. Chris F. Harr


Senior Rhino Specialist
Zambonzal Rhinological Institute

 

 


1 VIC: Very Imporant Crab

 



[Smoke detected from Military Satellite 441 Alpha]

 

As soon as I received this data I immediately assembled my emergency response team, seen below:



[The Zambonzal Rhinological Institute Emergency Response Team (ZRIERT). From left to right: Thomas “the flick” McHenry, Bob “rear” O’Tool, Greg F. U. Zumlught, Chris “c-bomb” Harr, Frank “spank me” Peterson.]


A recent 12 million dollar NSF grant allowed us to purchase a vintage 1928 Flash Gordon replica Spacecraft. Although only 14 inches in length, the physiological boost to the team in indescribable, as shown by this graph:



[Graph: Happiness over time. Note the dip in the month of June when team couldn’t be present for Mrs. Harr’s Birthday. Note Bongo usage peaked during this period. See “Got Bongos?”, The Economist, Volume 34J, p. 12, for more information]

 



[Our vintage 1928 Flash Gordon Replica Spacecraft]


Once we reached the Okavango shelf in the Mid-Atlantic Basin, all our fears were confirmed; The crabs were complete addicted, and consuming an alarming 43 metric tons of tobacco an hour. To illustrate the seriousness of the situation, I’ve attached exhibit A below, which exemplifies behavior we saw throughout the dive.



[Exhibit A]

 

Our oxygen began to run low around sixteen hundred hours, and started out ascent to the HMS Shitbag on the surface. On route, we encountered a dying mermaid who escaped the crabs shortly after before departure. The second hand smoke severally affected her, and there was little we could do for her.


[Figure Right: “Spukula the Mermaid”]

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