WASHINGTON—After paramedics used a scalpel to open an airway and keep him from asphyxiating en route to the hospital, President Joe Biden was reportedly rushed into surgery at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on Wednesday to remove a sock that had become lodged in his throat after he tried to eat it. “While it’s true President Biden partially ingested a striped dress sock earlier today, I want to assure everyone that this is a routine surgery, and the president is expected to be back home enjoying his favorite treats in just a few hours,” said White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who confirmed the commander-in-chief had stolen the sock from a partially open drawer in the Executive Residence while Secret Service agents weren’t looking and had gnawed on it in a corner of the room for five minutes, eventually attempting to put the entire thing in his mouth.

“There are longstanding protocols against leaving out anything a president could pick up and choke on, so we’ll be investigating the security lapse that allowed a drawer to be open at a height that President Biden could easily reach. But I would like to categorically deny the rumor that a game of tug-of-war between the Secret Service and the president led to this hospitalization.” At press time, Jean-Pierre told reporters the president was out of surgery but warned Americans to stay away from him for a little while as he was still logy from the meds.